Truths..Why I started blogging

This post is very raw and honest. 

Be warned.

I have been going back and forth for three months deciding if/when I would post about this. But its a part of my life, a big part, so here it goes.

I started this blog thinking it would be a pregnancy blog soon enough. I was going to be that cute mom who had fabulous blogging friends and tons of posts about nurseries, cloth diapering, homemade baby food and the adorable outfits we would dress our child in. I could read "mom" blogs all day.

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Thats all I have ever wanted to be, was a mom.

Fate has other plans.

I am one of the 1 in 10 women with PCOS 

(polycystic ovarian syndrome)

Which is commonly associated with infertility.

We have been "trying" for 18 months...and I have been going through an absolute roller coaster of medications for the past 6 months.

Am I the first woman to go through infertility?

Certainly not.

But it changes your whole world, and surrounds your whole life. No. Matter. What. Whatever the reason for the infertility, it will undoubtedly change your life before you know it, even with the most positive attitude. I was someone who was very accepting, and thought I would just need a little help, and that it wouldn't be a big deal. Those hopes faded fast. And truthfully I didnt know what I was in for or up against. I didnt tell anyone but my husband, my parents and one lady I knew who went through a very similar situation. I began taking medicine, knowing what all the blogs and the internet say and from the advice that my friend gave me, I prepared for a sh*tstorm. No amount of chocolate, shopping, or sleeping could have prepared for the shear emotional roller coaster I am on. 

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I am anxious. 

I wake up every night around 3am wondering what I should be doing, what time I have to do what and a million thoughts are running through my head.

I am constantly thinking about what I should or should not be doing. My doctor suggested I lay off the caffeine, no alcohol, and then there's all those no-no foods associated with pregnancy.

Should I be working out more? This is a double edged sword in my head, working out can only help, but if I shock my system to much will it harm my chances?

I should not be stressing out so much and working to much. Its not good for my body, but the work has to get done.

So I hope blogging about this will help. And if I can help even one other person to not feel completely alone, then its worth it to me. 

I feel like my whole life is on hold.

Something changes when you are ready for a family, you dont want to go out drinking, your house, husband and family are your priority.

I dont want to do things for myself anymore, I just want to wait, I'm waiting for that better tomorrow.

But beyond the fact that the one thing I have wanted forever seems so far out of reach,

I am thankful .

(is this girl crazy?)

I am thankful I have found God again.

I am thankful I am able to pray again.

I am thankful I go to church.

I am so so SO thankful for my husband.

I am thankful to have a partner who supports everything and is the kindest, gentlest, most endearing guy I could have every dreamed of marrying. 

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So the moral of my story, which is just begining, is just when you think you have life figured out, it throws you a curveball. But try to find the positive. Yes, I thought I would have a baby in my arms by now, and not blogging about my struggles to get pregnant. But through this all, I have turned my faith to God that His plans for me are better than mine. I am thankful to have the world's most understanding husband, who will stand by my side, and support me more than I ever thought possible.

I will not let this define my life. 

Or my blog. 

This is just part of my journey.

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